Becoming a mother to your inner child
& How it brings you closer to recovering from emotional and psychological trauma.
In the eyes of an innocent child, a mother is someone who is faultless and is always loving and protective. But snapping back to reality, humans are imperfect, and so are our biological mother and parents. Many lack proper care and upbringing as a child, thus growing up to be a healthy adult may be difficult.
A child is often one who cries within you when you feel hurt and rejected, yearning for affections and validations for some ounce of recovery. Your inner child is the most fragile side of you. They are your most vulnerable and innocent self that carries your raw emotions (your most genuine laughter and playfulness to your unhindered sadness and crying) and they often reflect your most inner desires. Like every child, your inner child often couldn’t be told what to do. Your inner child could only be soothed, tended to, and nurtured until he/she becomes stronger. That is why we find ourselves getting hurt over petty things and other people (especially those that we cared about) when we either feel attacked or unloved by them.
Attachment Styles & Our Inner Child
Often without much realization, someone who possesses Anxious attachment style would likely have their inner child reached out to external sources seeking for comfort and recovery via external and constant validation and acceptance. On the contrary, someone who possesses Avoidant attachment style may have their inner child shut away and suppressed causing long term disengagement and severance with their inner child. The inner child is often perceived as nuisance due to the fact that their inner child is one that invigorates the fear of rejection and invalidation within them and consequently expose them to vulnerabilities and hurt. Therefore, fostering closeness and deep connection, and being vulnerable with another person may seemed very uncomfortable.
When we didn’t know how to love and accept our inner child like a parent who love his/her child unconditionally, Anxious and Avoidant attachment would eventually surface in our adult life.
My own Inner child
As a person with Anxious attachment style and after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) where emotional dysregulation is a core hallmark, seeking for approval from interpersonal relationships and having a heightened sensitivity to fear of abandonment and feeling insignificant was something I had to deal with everyday.
Paralyzed by the pain of feeling unwanted and insignificant, I started turning and focusing inward and I saw my inner child’s face, who looked like she had been traumatized and deprived of the consistent validation and affection that she so desired.
Upon seeing her, I realized that I have a hypersensitive and an intense inner child who will get triggered by the faint idea or perception of abandonment. When she gets triggered, I sort of went into a state of crisis which ended up negatively affecting my work and life.
So one day, I sat down and imagined a 6 years old version of me coming up to me in an empty dimmed room, and then she sat on my lap. Looking down upon her rose colored cheeks and seeing her tears rolling down her disappointed and terrified eyes which then stared back at me, she asked “Why? Why don’t they care? Why are they so cruel? Am I really so unwanted? Is there something wrong with me?”
I couldn’t help but embrace her in my arms. Somehow, my motherly instinct kicked in, and it felt as though I wanted to protect and shield her from every harm and pain. When she cried, I cried with her, I couldn’t help but be there for her and give her all that I could to make her feel better.
Then with a soft gentle voice, I compassionately reassured her by uttering:
“You are kind”
“You are good”
“I am proud of you”
“You did well”
“I understand you”
“I care for you”
&
“I will always love you and that will never change”
Upon hearing this, her relentless cry ceased. Caressing her forehead, she laid wearily in my arms, weak but finally for the first time ever, she felt fully calmed and at peace.
With that, I felt an overwhelming sense of tranquility and ecstasy. I was, for the first time, effectively healed by powerful self soothing and self love through facing my inner child. It was love that I have never felt nor could ever comprehend, because it was so pure and sacrificial that external validation and assurances falls flat and are rendered less necessary.
Using mental visualization stimulated by imagination is a way for me to get to my inner child.
Understanding that caring for and loving our inner child as an adult or parent is one of the way to recover from trauma and mental health or psychological issues. Additionally, connecting with our inner child isn’t only therapeutic and beautiful, but it also changes our core mental habits and transform our lives.
Becoming a mother to my inner child sets me free from my emotional turmoil especially when at times managing its pain and distress via other methods (such as breathing and mindfulness) does not work. Learning to identity other people’s limitations and reframing our mindset by challenging black-and-white thinking (for people with BPD) are other helpful ways to overcome the intense fear of abandonment and strong need for external love and validation, but hey, that would be another story! :)
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