I was struggling with some serious emotional dependency issues
I was incapable of being alone, not for long atleast..
I just couldn’t handle it, it was too painful for me…
Days of silence makes me feel that no one cares about me, and that hurts me to the core.
Growing up in my household, it is like a “Taboo” to open up about emotional problems or even ask for emotional support and affirmation. So I was outwardly and desperately searching for that emotional love in the form of frequent attention and validation. But deep down, I knew needing it means I was bound to feel disappointed and hurt.
I was always jumping from one romantic relationships to another because interactions and attention in romantic relationships are generally a bit more consistent. That sort of consistency have always made me feel cared for and feel like a priority in someone’s heart.. It just made me feel happy and gave me a sense of hope in life.
Eventhough some of my past relationships were toxic or abusive and even though I suffered disappointments from people who didn’t show too much concern or care after I poured my heart out to them, nothing hurts more than bearing the pain of feeling that nobody cared about or attend to me and I was completely on my own and alone.
Although I was receiving crumbs and bits of concern and attention from some people (whether or not they were genuine), it was enough to mend my broken soul even though it was only temporary. I felt so weak and helpless. Needing that frequent affirmation and attention from others is like a drug to me and I suffered withdrawal symptoms everytime the attention and affirmation were either lessened or withdrawn.
I felt like a broken and needy child inside.
Finally…..Enough was enough.
My heart was burnt alive for too long.
Then I reached a point of no return, and the moment of awakening came.
“I don’t really trust anyone anymore”
I literally felt this carved into my heart at that point in time.
I have developed a transformed mindset. A renewed state of mind. During that moment, I felt that I have also lost some of my naivety and innocence, because the walls that guarded my heart and emotions has been built up high.
And somehow… the pain of not having that attention and regards from others became tolerable. It didn’t matter anymore whether or not I am important or a priority to others or even those that appeared to be close to me.
That moment of awakening taught me 3 things listed below, which help me journeyed past my pain and become a more emotionally independent individual.
1. Don’t trust just anyone, and if we choose to trust someone, trust only to an extend
When you fully trust someone, you are giving away that privilege to someone to guard that heart of yours.
Don’t trust just anyone, no matter how nice, sweet, and caring they appeared to be at the beginning. If you decide to trust, there should be ENOUGH reasons to do so, and given ENOUGH time.
Just like Rome isn’t built in a day, trust couldn’t be built instantaneously. Trusting people shouldn’t come easily. Be careful who you trust, and trust wisely. Yes, this is a defense mechanism but it can make you that much stronger and emotionally independent.
And trusting someone only to an extend means:
Although we can still decide to trust someone, we also accept that they might change and disappoint us or break our trust someday. It doesn’t mean that we don’t trust them or suspected their intentions when we have sufficient reasons to trust them, but we know and accept that there is also an existing risk to getting hurt.
2. Trusting and having just yourself is enough
When I started fully trusting just myself, I shifted to search internally for the attention and care that I’ve always needed, and I realized that it was actually enough. When I truly recognize that I could 100% rely on and trust myself and without a failure, give that constant attention and affirmation that I needed to myself, I started feeling fulfilled, safe, and happy.
When you have that person (which is yourself) who you can 100% count and depend on, you know that you no longer need that healing and comforting from others because that need naturally becomes secondary to you. The feeling of neediness will eventually fade away as you feel safe with yourself and in your own company.
When you could feel content and safe hugging yourself to sleep every night and know that you alone, is enough, you have reached a state of emotional independence.
3. Find enjoyment in your own company
“Happiness comes from within.”
― Brian Weiss
When you fill your time with things that you enjoy doing and gives you a sense of purpose, your focus shifted to building and boosting your happiness within. You no longer rely on others to give you that sense of purpose, fulfillment, and happiness.
You can also find ways and learn to be comfortable in your own headspace and in your quietness when you are unoccupied by recognizing that your own company alone is sufficient.
Perhaps nobody can feel absolutely nothing when being alone. The strongest person would still yearn for human connection and love. In fact, it is only normal that we experience that yearning from time to time, but what is most important is that, we have finally broke free from being emotionally dependent.
When you reached a state of emotional independence, instead of receiving that emotional care and attention from others, you could Give and Love others in ways you couldn’t imagine.
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