I’m Just Breathing
With 7.8 billion people in the world, how do you measure up? How do you compete in a world that lives and is guided by “killed or be killed” mentality without giving up and feeling worn out?
What we all see and what we all hear, are the stories of successful figures who fought their misery and gained victory. But no one really talks about the experience of being plunged into that misery.
The other night I had a catch up with my best friend who opened up about her mental depression with me and told me, “Now I’m just existing, nothing else”
And today evening my boyfriend sigh and said, “Well, I’m just flowing too, life is hard” with his weary eyes gazed upon the sunset when we sat next to each other on the glistening black sand of the beach.
He felt lost despite holding a job that fits him because of the constant struggle to make ends meet, my best friend felt lost since leaving her toxic workplace and quitting her job, and I…. well, I have been lost for many years because I couldn’t land the right career that aligns with my strength and skills, even at the age of 27. Because of that, I frequently find myself unemployed for many months in between switching career.
During these unemployment days, I felt like I was perishing. I do not know what I’m doing with my life. Despite wanting to try out new activities and upskill myself during these precious days, I have lost all motivation in carrying them out, or even taking the first step to do it. Albeit my life isn’t really hard and I should be thankful to have a roof over my head and food on the table to keep my body nourished everyday, I still feel myself being buried in depression and emptiness.
Nothing gives meaning to my life anymore. The things that I used to look forward to just doesn’t excite me anymore. I was depleted of energy. My morning routine flew out the window and my intention to wake up early every morning is long forgotten.
With no achievements and success in landing the right career which define who I am and what exactly I do, I can no longer feel alive. Perhaps after being strike by so many failures and rejections, I ended up feeling that way. I do not know how others manage to find happiness and satisfaction by small achievements that they have made for the day (like cleaning their room or going for a 30 minutes run). These little achievements does not seem to fascinate me or give me a sense of purpose.
Everyday felt dreadful and when you have dark periods like these, you’ll feel like the hours went by so quickly. Day swiftly becomes night as you slept through the entire morning and afternoon. Then you tell yourself that, “I will wake up earlier tomorrow and get things done, because tomorrow is a new day”. And the next time you open your eyes, the sun is setting again, and this cycle repeats. Days passed by quickly when you feel like you’re just living meaninglessly in the dark.
When you lost all your motivation, your heart felt utterly empty. Suddenly you have no schedule or pending task and you felt like nothing is important anymore. It was the worst feeling in the world.
The longer I remain idle, the more I felt that my world is crumbling down. I want to keep my wings flapping but I lost the energy to even move a finger. Perhaps it was because I felt that even if I do something, it won’t contribute to any changes.
I felt my contribution and effort equates to nothing after going through the constant disaster of failures and rejection. Hence, everything I do makes no sense to me anymore. They all just felt so daunting to me. Oh and FYI, I wasn’t like that before, I was always filled with positive energy and I thought I would never give up.
So whilst living in the dark, I felt like I was Just Breathing, everyday. And sometimes just breathing alone feels exhausting and painful.
I just want to close my eyes and drift away in my sleep, hoping that my sadness can be washed away and tomorrow will feel better.
I know I have been resting for too long, and it’s time to go back to reality. I have given myself enough excuse to recover from my depression and feelings of hopelessness and emptiness, but it seemed like the more breaks I took, the more I need it.
I bet many of us, at some point, have been stuck in a rut for either some time or a long period of time. It is very hard to escape depression when not only our reality have sucked us into a cycle of constant negativity and dreadfulness but our own minds have becomes our worst enemy too. It is hard to walk out of your own bubble of low self esteem and lifelessness and craft yourself a new creative way to restart your life and revive yourself from feeling dead.
So next time when you hear someone says, “I’m just breathing”, maybe reality have sucked the life out of them, and they have tried hard for way too long just to always end up falling on their faces or see the consequence of constant failures. Life is not always kind to everyone.
How I found my bits of healing at that moment of darkness and lifelessness was acknowledging that everyone has their own demons to fight off even if they seemed to be living their best lives. Oddly, knowing that I am not alone in my struggle somehow makes me feel comforted.
In the end, this is a part of life I know I must go through. During those moment, I did not push myself harder because I knew I have already reached the brink of exhaustion. Instead, I make Gettin and Feelin better my number one task on my to-do-list.
