You would ask yourself “when will my suffering ends?”
What do you do when you couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? How do you practice the art of happiness in the face of adversities and when life constantly throws a lot at you?
I saw my 5 years relationship with my first love fell apart and ties slowly severed between me and his family members (12 of them whom I cherished dearly) before my eyes. I was never close with my own family members, so his family felt like home to me and losing my 5 years relationship also meant losing all of them. After he dumped me, I felt that my world fell apart, but then..
Nothing have prepared me for whatever I would have to face after that.
Soon after my long term relationship ended, I entered an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I could say I was in an emotional vulnerable state at that time and my abusive ex saw the opportunity to love bombed me before our relationship commenced. I had no experience with abuse of any sort so it was relatively new to me at that point of time and I was unaware that an abuse was coming.
Simultaneously, I was also moving and settling into another country alone. There, I started my PhD, and struggled with a toxic and absent supervisor, as well as rude and obnoxious staff members in my department. My PhD was arduous and very lonely, which contributed to my depression and severe anxiety. While still staying in the abusive relationship and dealing with the struggles of doing my PhD, my bestfriend of 14 years and I were drifting apart and my family were constantly absent, and making new friends and connection felt like too much hard work at that time. When my abusive relationship ended which have left me traumatized, nothing felt more comforting than having someone I felt I could trust because I had nobody. Just so happened that I found this “someone” and we got together since we were also emotionally compatible. It gave me hope for a short while but the relationship was doomed to fail. It felt very empty and loveless because there were a lack of admiration and feelings towards him. My love and feelings for him just didn’t grow or develop despite giving the relationship time and effort. Because of that, the relationship ended after a year and 5 months.
After that, I unexpectedly fell in love with someone and my heart finally fluttered. It felt good dating someone who made your heart skips a beat and whom you felt so strongly for, but turned out he wasn’t invested and committed in the relationship. The relationship only lasted several months after which I quitted my PhD (I was about halfway done). All of these happened in a period of about 2 and a half years.
Following all that happened, I was facing the psychological toll and effects associated with what feels like countless breakups, quitting my PhD, feelings of worthlessness, unemployment after my PhD withdrawal, loneliness, isolation, loss of important people, and a lot of let downs from people who were once close to me.
I didn’t have the space and time to fully process each and every tragedy and recover from it because shortly after one, another began..
The story of my life….. I couldn’t take breaks from romantic relationships, because I felt that I had nobody and it was too painful and scary for me to be entirely alone. I felt so weak. I remembered that I would rather feel the trauma of an abusive relationship than feel the extreme pain associated with complete loneliness. Atleast that way felt better for me, at that point of time. In one way or another, you could say I was also using my relationships to fill that emptiness inside of me and to remind me that someone cares for me and that I am not completely alone.
Sometimes in our lives, we can’t always choose what happen to us, they just happen. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fix things, there are just no better options or solutions, and we just have to go with the flow of life and learn to appreciate the experiences gain from it.
Which brings me to listing and summarizing 5 points that I believe would help you and many people cope during the lowest point in life.
Practice acceptance of life
No, it is not something terrible you did, or some karma that strikes you. This is just life.
Accepting that life is not always fair and can be very difficult (for some people) is easier said than done, because we as humans are bound to feel bitter about our misfortunes and adversities which will end up lead us to wallow in self pity. Our logical reasoning would caused us to pursue the answers to why we suffer traumatic and terrible fate; but when we stop searching for answers and start to accept life as it is, we can live more happily and peacefully despite our struggles.
Practicing acceptance may take years. Accepting life as life, and life as it is, is a sure way to live with less disappointments and heartache. I always believe that our outer strength to deal with life situations is derived from our inner strength, and acceptance about life is one way to enhance that inner strength. Only by practicing this acceptance of life, will your inner voice of “when will my suffering ends?” ends.
And life is unpredictable. So it is always best to set aside high expectations and hopes but focus more on taking one step at a time each day. It is always beneficial to have something or a goal in mind to achieve and just make preparations for it rather than hoping for any outcomes.
Practice contentment and avoid comparison
We often wonder why life is better for others but not for us.
It is hard not to compare, but can we truly compare our lives to other people’s lives when we are not in their shoes living their lives? Many people looked happy and successful but their struggles may have been far worse.
For instance, how many times have you walked passed a happy couple wishing that you have what they have?
It is important to practice contentment and be grateful for what we have. Rather than looking at the things we lack and fail to acquire, focus on what we have and the lessons and experiences that we have gained through life.
Trust yourself and your own worth
Trusting yourself must comes before trusting others. Period.
When we trust others more than ourselves, our sense of self become shaky, thus we will rely on the validation and feedback from others rather than looking inwardly to seek those from ourselves. Adversities may shatter your spirit and caused your self image or self esteem to plummet, however you must trust yourself enough to know that you have intrinsic worth and value that cannot be measured by the world’s standard.
For those who are used to relying on people for comfort and for feeling of love or care (like me) during difficult times, believing that you will always be there to truly care for you and that you can always trust and rely on yourself. This will give you enough strength to stand alone especially when you do not have or couldn’t find anyone to stand by you in the face of adversities.
Another thing about trusting yourself is: follow your inner voice or instincts. Whatever adversities you may be facing, your instincts are your guide and will never lead you astray.
Acknowledge your pain and practice self compassion
Life is already hard, so be careful not to break yourself
Cry as loud as you want to, find an outlet to vent (be it journaling or talking to a trusted friend) or do whatever you can or want to make yourself feel better. Tell yourself that it is completely okay to feel the way you felt. Have compassion for yourself. Learn to accept that things failed and they didn’t work out but you have done your best. Take breaks to heal and mend your soul.
Do also always remember to give a thumbs up to yourself. It is sometimes easy to resort to self blame because very often, we forgotten to give credits to and acknowledge ourselves for being strong, brave, and resilient enough to overcome hard circumstances which broke our spirit.
Invest time in self-care and our interests
Giving up on something that is detrimental to you is not weak, it is self care
Sometimes we have to make the decision to give up on something or even someone to care for ourselves. Choose what is best for you, and follow through. Eat well and eat healthy, get physically active, get a health checkup, travel, get enough rest and sleep, and explore new hobbies and interest.
All of these points are branches of self love and care.
So be brave, you are strong, I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.
