It’s like looking at yourself in front of a mirror but you see different reflections of yourself
Who Am I?
I couldn’t recognize my true self, there was a blurring effect to the contours of my reality and my identity.
Nobody knows the real me, they thought that the version of me that they met is my trueself. I was living different lives, and still am right now.
Traveling across and settling in different countries and subsequently adapting to the way of thinking and way of life there isn’t just a life changing experience but those experiences add new compartments to my personality shelf. I was and still am shifting between multiple personalities and attributes depending on where I am and who I am with. In order to infuse my mind in new actual learnings and in adapting to be more flexible in my mindset, character, and speech patterns, I mimicked and imitate different verbal expressions and mannerism.
Perhaps deep down I was also trying to fit in, but here I was also trying to expand my personality spectra and learning to adapt to different kinds of environment and people. After all, it’s like a survival game too. Strong independence is no stranger to me. I was taught to stand alone since a very young age, so being able to fit into many kinds of social settings, environment, and into different way of life means a plus in my social skills and life. It means.. my independence is less wobbly, life feels less scary because skill sets are strengths in sustaining my own life in this tough and challenging reality.
While this sounds like a good thing, but Who Am I really in the depth of my soul? Have I lost myself? What are my likes and dislikes? I couldn’t recognize my true self anymore, I feel disconnected from my core personality….
I recall when I was an innocent child when I haven’t yet step out into this world and experience reality, I never bother acting like my true self. I remember being a free-spirited child not having much anticipation about what comes next or to worry about life. My mind is just far less complicated than my mind at this age.
Like a chameleon, I wasn’t just pink or blue or green, I was all of them. I was a hybrid of colors, with each color serving a specific purpose.
Though having a chameleon personality is a beneficial trait, it may cause one to lose his/her sense of self at times.
Staying as someone who isn’t truly who I am for an extended period of time would feel exhausting, because there is my retained core personality within. Albeit executing changes in myself and shaping myself into a different person with a new character is something that I enjoy doing, I realized that I am only most comfortable when I am my true self in my own private time and space.
It may seems counterintuitive, but enjoyment and pleasure does not always equal comfort.
Discovering and diving deep into searching my core personality wasn’t easy. Feeling disoriented, I asked myself the following probing questions:
- What are the things you enjoy doing?
- What are the things you dislike?
- What do you value in life?
- What are the things you want out of life?
- What kind of environment or settings or people are you actually most comfortable with?
Embracing my natural state is a lesson learnt in this life. It reminds me that, although it is important to blend with my surroundings, it is also crucial to have moments reflecting on the above questions and to have moments being on my own or around people I am most comfortable with. This would effectively ground myself to who I truly am deep down in my core. Instead of having my sense of self tied to other people and my surroundings, I would like to think of it as just a “temporary adjustment”, where it builds my tenacity and life skills but not my nature or my main disposition.
Here I would like to thank all readers for taking the time out to read this and if you find it meaningful to you too, do give this story a clap and I would appreciate it so much if you could follow me to stay tune for more upcoming sharing and stories!
