There are three types of child in the family. No, and I don’t mean the oldest, the middle, and the youngest child.
I mean the following three:
The Golden Child
The Black sheep (aka the scapegoat)
The Invisible nobody
I was a mix of the invisible nobody and the black sheep.
I dislike these sort of biases in families, but they do exist very often, everywhere.
From the very beginning, my birth and my very existence was an accident.
Nobody in my family anticipate my arrival because my parents had enough children in the family.
I was the youngest child, and my siblings were way older than I am. So when they became working adults, I just started learning algebra in high school. When they had families and children, I was still completing my Bachelor’s degree.
I was never the centre of attention, instead my families only reached out to me if they needed a favor or if they demand something from me, and somehow, it always felt as though I must obliged. My emotions and feelings were often disregarded and viewed as insignificant and I was always left abandoned and neglected. If I express my emotions and thoughts, I will be called “too sensitive” or “too immature” (especially since I was the youngest child and there was a large age gap difference between me and everyone else). I felt more like a convenience to everyone instead of a decent human being that deserve respect.
My own mother paid way more attention to her grandchildren and herself. If she needed something, she will be there. Otherwise, she’s gone. She could not pay attention to me for more than a few minutes before diverting the conversation to herself and her grandchildren. It was truly exhausting and hurtful to be in that position as her youngest child. My siblings never cease to chat about themselves and their children while paying no regards to others. They identify themselves and their lives as more superior and powerful than an invisible child like me whom in their eyes, is nothing.
I have no rights, or power, or even any space or room to express my feelings or thoughts in the family, because my voice or opinions do not matter.
Growing up, I never really had any support of any kind except that I was always financially provided for and sufficient (thankfully). But tangible things like money and gifts were never enough to make up for the amount of disrespect, contempt, ignorance, neglect, and lack of empathy or of any kind of genuine care that I had received. I was always struggling and hustling through life’s tough times alone as I went from childhood to adulthood. Every time, my actions and my life decisions were constantly being judged and corrected, and I was always under the impression of “never being enough” and “never perfect” because I wasn’t able to measure up to the standards that my siblings set on me nor was I able to think, act, and talk like them. My families (most of them) were aware of how they were treating me, so speaking up does little to no changes.
When I chose to emotionally and physically distant myself from them, I was called “uncaring” and “selfish”.
Trauma were already beginning to form the day I was born into this family, because I was destined to be abandoned, belittled, and ignored. As a child, I recalled uttering these words to myself everyday
“You need to get out of here, you need to be strong no matter what”
Indeed, it is hard out here now alone, and what’s worse is looking at a family who is your supposed family but not your family having each other’s back and support while you struggle with and live life alone out here. But nothing is worse and more torturous than having any kind of proximity to the people who created your deepest most painful trauma.
Up till this day, I still feel the pain of abandonment and feeling less than a decent human being in their eyes. And everyday, I am still managing to being completely self-dependent and strong in having no one else but one best friend that I thankfully still have.
I hope that my story can reach out to many hearts and souls out there who also share similar experience and trauma in being an invisible and unwanted child, and my heart sincerely goes out to you who suffer similar fate.
You must always remember that you are worth more than you or whoever else thinks and you are strong enough to heal yourself and do what’s best for you ❤
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